CAPRICORN [December 22–January 19] Has your social agenda felt uninspiring in the past few months? It may be because you have been unconsciously shunning those who happen to have more personality than you do. As the New Year begins, make a list of the people you like to criticize. The traits that offset you off about them may be exactly the ones you need to develop within you. For a change, wouldn’t you love to inspire fear in a crowd?
AQUARIUS [January 20–February 18] This is the year for you to find out whether ignorance is indeed bliss. Select friends for their shallowness, avoid difficult opinions and discussions, watch television profusely and act as would a complete dutz. Strive daily to stir away from thought, in the James Joyce definition of the term: Thought is the thought of though. Your exploratory journey, should you encounter bliss watching MTV, could stabilise the foundations of our great civilization, hurray.
PISCES [February 19–March 20] If you think you had to work at maintaining your relationship(s) in 2010, think about the other work you’d be doing otherwise: hitting the town, feigning interest at mindless chatter clumsily adapted from How To paperbacks and crossing out more items in the to-do list. In the narrative quest that is life, it’s time for you to have a painful, drawn-out, tormented relationship. Pick up a woman magazine, if you need help getting in character.
ARIES [March 21–April 19] While you may have spent a large part of 2010 wondering why we all spend so much energy trying to HAVE more stuff instead of BEING better, you are missing the big picture. Twat! You have control over what you own, but what you own also has control over you. Take any of the unexpected situations life may throw at you, and ask yourself how you would react to it if you had an extra million bucks in the bank. Now, go earn it.
TAURUS [April 20–May 20] Ever wonder why we prefer to have our liquids served in glass instead of plastic? Plastic is more durable, cheaper to produce, better at isolating temperature and avoiding condensation, and when it falls on the floor it doesn’t break into a thousand little pieces that can make your feet bleed. In 2011, let go of conventions and the porcelain in your life and go for plastic. Try spam, and 12% beer. Wear Crocs, and discount colas. Switch your almond latter for another mars bar. Be cheap and enjoy it.
GEMINI [May 21–June 20] You were never much of an athlete, an intellectual or a leader. Last year, you often felt like your career had been an assemblage of smoke screens. Maybe it’s time for you to turn to real professionals to find your purpose. In 2011, join a sect. They will help you assess your skills and build self-confidence. Just remember never to make big decisions when you’re feeling suicidal and you’ll get the best of them. With a little persistence, you might even become a guru yourself.
CANCER [June 21–July 22] Before you sign up for a gym membership for the New Year, ask yourself the type of strengthening you need: body or soul? Maybe toning your abs in front of the mirror is leading you astray. Last time you masturbated in the bathroom, did you look at your reflection in the mirror? Until cloning isn’t legalized, don’t expect egosexuals to populate the planet. In 2011, drop self-consciousness and go mate like your parents used to.
LEO [July 23–August 22] While you may think you’ve overcome your forefather’s antiquated religiosity, you are still carrying the burden of Christian guilt. It’s not posturing, it’s pathetically real. Next time you take a political or ideological stand, imagine the sacrifices your grand-grand-grand parents had to make to ensure you are alive today. Imagine the things they had to do to make sure you have a seat at the all you can eat buffet of life. Keep in mind: you can’t have your cake and let an African orphan eat it too.
VIRGO [August 23–September 22] While others take vows to quit tobacco, chocolate or methamphetamines at this time of year, you may want to pick up new habits instead of eliminating old ones. The etiquette columnist Judith Martin aka Miss Manners, says that if you write enough thank-you letters, you may actually feel a flicker of gratitude. This year, get addicted to proper etiquette and reap the gratitude, courtesy and respect that you always craved, but were too young and dumb to indulge in before.
LIBRA [September 23–October 22] “The idea of freedom is the most contagious idea of history, more contagious that the idea of submission to authority.” Your problem lies in your ability to ignore the impulses of the present moment in order to chase your foolish dreams of tomorrow. Stop indulging. If they lived today, Jesus would be heading a company build on compassionate libertarian ethics and the apostils would be forwarding feel-good notes on microfinancing for Facebook. Whether you think you are Jesus, an apostil or one of the other chosen few, this year you need to walk the walk, not just talk the talk.
SCORPIO [October 23–November 21] People only get lucky when they stick their necks out. When Scorpios take risks, when they walk on the edge, their pupils are dilated, their reaction times are shortened, and they develop a short temper for people who don’t respect their space. In other words: they are the man. You need to take more risks because in this day and age, risk takers either get rewarded or get bailed out. This year, you have carte blanche to bet the house and sell the kids to finance your gambling habit if it comes to that.
SAGITTARIUS [November 22–December 21] Remember that old love interest from high school? The one that was classic and gentle. The one that could absorb your long-lasting issues like only premium toilet paper can. Whether you are attached, semi-detached, or too fat to get out of the house, it’s time for you to time travel in 2011, and explore what could’ve been with that special someone that hasn’t been. Let that person know that you are interested in catching up because “life is too short” and “you were great together” and “I have terminal cancer and want to enjoy what time I have left”, or whatever gets you in the sack the fastest. But don’t get too attached and don’t let honesty seep into this relationship, or things will turn sour faster before you’ve even had time to say “should I call you a taxi?”
